On the wall in my dining room I've got my P4 certificate in
a picture frame. In the corners are my patches for P1, 2 and 3. When I pass P5
the 4th patch will join the others and when I get G1 I'll start a new frame
next to the existing one.
Until tonight however, I had all four patches in that frame.
I never wore my patches, they went straight into that frame, like captured
butterflies, forever preserved in their glory and for me to gaze proudly at
over breakfast coffee and cereal before I headed out to work.
I told myself this was due to not wanting to spend time
every 6 months sewing the patch on and that for me it was enough to have passed
and I didn't feel the need to advertise my grade.
Truth was a little different.
To me those patches were rare, much sought after and had
been achieved through nerves, training, more nerves and the milling that is an
actual grading. I had to do P4 twice due to a conditional pass in the March
2014 test (I had passed with 73% but like a prospect in a biker gang, I
couldn't get the "top rocker" until I'd gone that extra mile, in this
case doing stick defences again, back at my own club).
The patches were like exhibits in a private museum.
Something so precious that I was afraid that I'd lose them forever if I didn't
treat them with reverence and respect. I didn't put them on my Krav pants
because to me they were to be worshipped. Delicate things that I was so very
lucky to have. On some level I think I was afraid to lose them and feared that
this exchange might happen in training one night.
"Excuse me, your patch says you're P4. Can you just
show me forward to backward roll please?"
"Errrr....."
The higher I rose through the Practitioner ranks, the more I
felt like I had to "be" something more than I was comfortable being. I
had fought so hard to get those patches that I kept them behind glass on a wall
in my house, so I knew where they were and could rest assured that they were
safe.
Yesterday I bought some iron on velcro strips and tonight I
ironed them on both the P4 patch and both pairs of training trousers. Tomorrow
I will train with the patch on my leg for the first time.
Sometimes it's harder to feel comfortable to have achieved
something, than it is to actually achieve it.