Postman Pat vs. Chav
(or…Verbal Reasoning & Lateral
Thinking vs. Verbal Aggression & Obnoxiousness)
Walking with
my postal wagon down the road today (big red trolley thing containing the mail, all packets and my lunch) and a young man aged about 17 wearing a pair of
headphones was walking on a collision course towards me. He could politely be
described as casually dressed, with a baseball cap, grubby jeans, hoody and a
screaming case of acne or more accurately as a stereotypical Chav.
At the last
moment he steps to one side and I nod acknowledgment and say “thanks mate.”
He takes one
earphone out and goes “what?”
I take both my earphones out and repeat “thanks mate.”
He glares at
me and then sneers “Thought you’d have moved out the way for me!”
After pause I reply “Err…I’m the one pushing the
big, heavy, hard-to-move-out-the-way thing.”
“You fucking
prick!”
“Charming,
you have a good day yeah” (I go to move away).
He glares at
me, steps a couple of feet back and then says “You wouldn’t be smiling if I was
to take a blade to you and wipe that smile off your face.”
I look back
and smile again then take some mail out of the front of the wagon. “Big scary
guy like you, ooh! Wouldn’t want to mess with you would I?” I slam the hatch.
“No you
wouldn’t, if I wanted to I could have you lying on the floor in 5 seconds flat.”
He is WELL
out of striking distance and has his hands jammed into his front jeans pockets.
His tone is flat and unthreatening and it’s clear that he’s simply monologuing
a stream of threats that he’s used times before.
I wave my
hand at him. “Not talking to you any more, go away.” I take a bundle of mail
and go to move to the next house.
“What you
say?”
“You deaf as
well? Fuck off!”
“Seriously
mate if I didn’t have somewhere to be I’d lay you out right now.”
He walks
back so I stand on the other side of the wagon and decide on a compromise
between walking off and having to actually engage the little shit. “I’m bored
of this. Tell you what…!” I put one earphone back in and hold the cable halfway
up and pretend to press a button with my thumb. In my ear are AC/DC demanding
to know Who Made Who?
“What you
gonna call the old bill or something?”
I smile and
hold up my hand for quiet and then pretend to have the following conversation:
“Voice activate number 5.
(Pause). Hello, police please. (Longer pause). Hello mate, yes can I have
police assistance to outside 23 Letsby Avenue, Leamington Spa. IC3** male,
about 17 years of age is threatening me and being verbally abusive. I’m a
postman so I’m concerned about the integrity of the mail.”
The Chav
continues to just stare blankly at me.
“My name,
(false laugh). No I can’t tell you that as he’s standing here listening to me.
Ok, thanks. See you in 5.”
I pretend to
hang up and say brightly, “Whatever you’re thinking of doing you’ve got about 5
minutes so be quick.”
He steps
back again and mumbles, “If I didn’t have to be somewhere I’d just stand here
and wait for them, I’m not afraid of the filth.”
“Good for
you, that’s the spirit. You have a good day yeah.”
He slopes off up the road.
Job done.
----------------------
** Black.